I’m sick of using initials

My room is a mess. My whole apartment is a mess. I hate the way I live. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m going to kill myself soon.

It’s such a relief to have finally given in.

My whole life has been a fuck up. A mistake. And now it’s going to be over. Finally. I’m going to have David take me to Office Depot tonight for the razor blades. I’ll tell him it’s for an art project.

I scared myself just then. My iTunes started playing the song that for a long time I wanted played at my funeral.

My funeral. What a fucking waste of time that would be.

But it scared me and I went outside to cry. I called Chris and hung up after it rang once. I’m surprised he’s still speaking to me at all. I don’t need to burden him with my shame. His life is good. He doesn’t need me in it.

That’s love. That’s how much I love him. He’d be so much better off with me gone. I wonder if he realizes that. Probably.

So I sat and watched birds for a while. One of the things that still makes me happy. Birdwatching.

What a fucking waste of space.

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I’m okay. It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. I’m still alive.

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